It's a day of reflection, for all to be thankful for the family and friends and good fortune they've enjoyed throughout the year.
For everyone, that is, but you.
You're a loner, as in "Ted Kazingski living deep in the woods of Montana" loner. You have no one in your life to be thankful for — not even a mom. She left you when you were three. You're fifty-two now. Sad. Truly sad. Worst part about your tragic life is that you've never celebrated Thanksgiving, so you have no idea what all the hype is about.
That's all changing this year.
Because this year, when you heard that Best Buy and The Gap were going to be opened all Thanksgiving day, you were so elated, so struck with giddiness that you'd finally be able to cash in on the big sales and furnish your cabin deep in the woods with a 43-inch flat screen while also buying one of those hoodies with the G-A-P across the chest for 50% off, that you decided you'd celebrate the whole day, with all the trimmings.
So you bought a book — Thanksgiving for dummies — that told you all you need to know about the holiday.
It's a day that starts with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade — a must-see for nearly fifty million people — then a ridiculously-hosted dog show, a football game, and then ... bring on the tryptophan.
Ah ... gnawing on Tom Turkey and mash potatoes and gravy and sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce (the kind from the can, not the real stuff), and string beans and pie — lots of pie – like pumpkin pie and apple pie and sweet potato pie and chocolate pudding pie. You've never known such heaven. You've never felt so satiated.
You've ... never ... been ... so ... slee...py.
You woke up just thirty minutes ago, having passed out on Thursday night, right before leaving for your Best Buy shop-a-thon, somewhere between your third helping of turkey and a slice of pumpkin pie.
You missed the flat screen. You missed the hoody. You missed every sale out there.
Your one friend in the world did OK, though. She texted you over twenty times while you were passed out.
Apparently she was at Wal-Mart where she got a bunch of good stuff, including an X-Box system, fending off a bunch of kids with pepper spray.
Whoa.
Your one friend in the world did OK, though. She texted you over twenty times while you were passed out.
Apparently she was at Wal-Mart where she got a bunch of good stuff, including an X-Box system, fending off a bunch of kids with pepper spray.
Whoa.
Happy Thanksgiving, you loner fatso.
3 comments:
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